Romance and romantic love involve several ideas about love that are connected due to historical and cultural influences.

In psychology, romantic love is seen as a strong desire or reason to act, which is different from (but connected to) the idea of attachment.

The words "romance" and "romantic love" have many meanings that can sometimes conflict. The philosopher Arthur Lovejoy once said, "The word 'romantic' has come to mean so many things that, by itself, it means nothing."

According to Collins Dictionary, romantic love is described as an intense admiration for a relationship, where the other person is seen as having special qualities or beauty. This admiration can make the relationship more important than other things, like money. The idea of romantic love also includes the belief that people choose their marriage and romantic partners based on personal preferences, though this is not always fully achieved. This belief can lead to happiness or sadness in relationships.

People who feel little to no romantic attraction are called "aromatic."

General definitions

The meaning of "romantic love" has changed a lot over time, making it hard to define clearly without looking at its cultural background. Experts use the term in many different ways. In Western culture, the word is often used to describe any kind of attraction between people, including those with sexual feelings (like heterosexual, homosexual, or other types). However, "romance" and "love" are separate ideas. Psychotherapist Robert Johnson says the mixing up of these terms comes from a confusion in culture, where people focus more on falling in love and seeking passion than on simpler things like affection or commitment.

The word "romantic love" is sometimes used to describe relationships that are different from other kinds, like marriage, parent-child bonds, or friendships. It is also used to contrast with the modern idea of "platonic love," which does not include sexual feelings. However, some people say that romantic love can be "platonic" in certain cases, such as in a romantic friendship where people feel strong emotions but do not have sexual desires.

In psychology, "romantic love" might refer to many different ideas, such as courtly love, romantic idealization, or being in love. Psychologist Dorothy Tennov once said that scientific discussions about romantic love are often unclear and conflicting.

The word "romance" comes from the Latin word "Romanus," meaning "Rome" or "Roman." Today, the word has many meanings, but it is connected to the idea of telling love stories. After the fall of the Roman Empire, the Latin word "Romanice" (from "Romanus") was used to describe everyday languages that came from Latin. In Old French, this became "romans" or "romanz," which referred to both the language and stories written in it. During the Middle Ages, "romans" came to describe a type of story about knights and love, called chivalric romance.

Some of the earliest stories with themes of love were written by French poets called troubadours. These poems often focused on unrequited love and the admiration of a woman, who was often described as "cold" or "cruel." Poets like Chrétien de Troyes were encouraged by royalty to write stories that showed ideals of love, called "courtly love." These ideals became central to chivalric romance. The French word "romans" was later changed to "romance" in English, and the term "romantic love" originally described the attitudes and behaviors of courtly love.

Courtly love stories often showed women in high positions, described intense feelings of suffering and separation, and suggested that love could change people in deep ways. These ideas came from troubadour poetry and the work of Andreas Capellanus, who wrote "The Art of Courtly Love." Some stories from this tradition, like "Layla and Majnun," "Tristan and Iseult," and "Romeo and Juliet," show tragic or unfulfilled love. However, others, like "Aucassin and Nicolette," show happy endings that focus on human love instead of religious or social rules. The modern romance novel, like those written by Jane Austen, began in the 18th century.

Today, stories about romantic love appear in books like "Twilight" (Edward Cullen and Bella Swan) and "Star Wars" (Anakin Skywalker and Padmé Amidala).

The traditions of courtly and romantic love have influenced how people in Western culture think about love, and these ideas are still seen today. Some critics, like Denis de Rougemont, say that these stories promise a perfect, fairy-tale version of love, but they often show suffering and tragedy instead. He wrote, "Happy love has no history in European literature. And a love that is not mutual cannot be true love."

In the social sciences, "romantic love" is used to describe the idea of idealizing a relationship, similar to the themes in literature. This belief system is also called "romanticism." People who believe in romantic love often see their partner as perfect, think love is the only way to choose a partner, and believe love can overcome any problem. They also think love should be followed without thinking rationally. This view is different from practical or logical love.

Stanton Peele, who studied "love addiction," criticized the romantic ideal as being too simple and not thoughtful, which can lead to unhealthy relationships, lovesickness, or intense longing for love. He said that society sees love as a way to solve life's problems and a way to grow into adulthood. Peele agreed with Eric Fromm, who said love is about caring for others.

In 2021, Bode and Kushnick studied romantic love from a biological perspective. They looked at its psychology, how it develops over a lifetime, its functions, and its evolutionary history. They defined romantic love as a strong desire to form a long-term relationship with someone. It happens at any age and is linked to specific brain, emotional, and physical changes in both men and women. It helps with choosing a partner, courtship, and forming lasting bonds. It is a set of traits and behaviors that developed in human history.

Romantic love can also be called "being in love," passionate love, infatuation, limerence, obsessive love, or the ancient Greek idea of "eros." It does not always require a relationship, as in cases of unrequited love where feelings are not returned. People who are in love feel strong motivation and focus on their partner.

Origin of romantic love

Romantic love is thought to have developed in early human ancestors about 4.4 or 2 million years ago, though the exact time is not known. It is connected to certain mental traits, and brain scans using fMRI show that it activates areas of the brain linked to rewards. One theory by anthropologist Helen Fisher suggests that romantic love evolved as a system in mammals for choosing mates, a process called courtship attraction, which is part of sexual selection. In most animal species, courtship attraction is short-lived, but Fisher believed that in humans, it became longer and stronger over time. Another theory suggests that romantic love repurposed brain systems originally used for bonding between mothers and infants, through a process called co-option. Both types of love share traits like being preoccupied with a person, focusing only on that person, longing for mutual feelings, and idealizing the person. Brain scans show similar brain areas are involved in both.

Some people have claimed that romantic love is only found in Western cultures and not in tribal societies. For example, anthropologist Audrey Richards told the Bemba people a story about a prince who went through great challenges to win the love of a woman. The Bemba were confused by the story and asked, "Why not choose another girl?" Anthropologist Margaret Mead studied the Samoans and believed that deep romantic attachments were not common there. She said that the kind of romantic love seen in Western cultures, tied to ideas like monogamy and jealousy, was not found in Samoa. According to Nathaniel Branden, in tribal societies, the family is seen as a way to ensure survival, and individuals are expected to follow the tribe’s needs, with emotional connections being less important.

However, a 1992 study by William Jankowiak and Edward Fischer found that romantic or passionate love is present in nearly all cultures. They examined 166 cultures using reports, stories, and other materials. Romantic love was considered present if there were accounts of personal longing, love songs, stories about elopement due to love, or statements from people or researchers confirming its existence. Passionate love was found in 88.5% of cultures. The researchers believed that the remaining 11.5% likely had reports that were missed during studies, not because the love did not exist. This suggests that while not everyone experiences romantic love, it is common in almost every culture, even where it is less openly expressed.

Although romantic love is a natural and cross-cultural experience, it is still shaped by culture. Attitudes and practices related to love can vary widely. For example, Chinese culture does not have a tradition of romantic love similar to that in the United States. In the past, romantic love was considered "bourgeois" and even banned during the Cultural Revolution. While these restrictions have ended, a cultural shyness about love remains. Divorce is allowed, but arranged marriages are still common, and there is much emphasis on "protecting the family." A 1990s study found that Chinese people believed Western ideas about love were inaccurate, linking "passionate love" to terms like "infatuation," "unrequited love," "sorrow," and "nostalgia." Many expressed a desire to "fall in love" even if it felt like a mental illness.

In behavioral genetics, twin studies help determine how much of a trait is influenced by genes. These studies compare identical twins (who share all genes) and fraternal twins (who share about half their genes). Differences between the twins help estimate how much of a trait is heritable (due to genes) and how much is due to environment. Environment is split into shared (factors that make family members similar) and nonshared (factors that make them different, including measurement errors). A twin study using the Love Attitudes Scale found that differences in love attitudes are mostly due to environmental factors, with genetics playing a very small role. For example, love styles like mania, storge, pragma, and eros had some genetic influence, while ludus and agape had none. Researchers believe that childhood family environments and unique experiences with parents, friends, and partners influence love styles more than shared environments. According to earlier observations, people who experience eros (romantic love) often recall happy childhoods, while those who experience mania (obsessive love) often recall unhappy ones.

Using the Love Attitudes Scale, romantic love styles have also been linked to personality traits. For example, eros is connected to being agreeable, conscientious, outgoing, and having secure attachment. Mania is linked to being neurotic and having anxious attachment. Ludus is connected to avoidant attachment. Other styles include storge (friendship love), linked to agreeableness and insecure attachment; pragma (practical love), linked to conscientiousness and insecure attachment; and agape (selfless love), linked to secure attachment. Attachment styles are often influenced by childhood experiences, but twin studies show both genetic and environmental factors contribute. There is also a debate about whether people’s attachment styles depend on the situation, such as an avoidant partner making a secure partner feel anxious. Lee identified a transitional love style called "manic eros," where a person may move toward a more stable romantic love or toward obsessive love. Some people may temporarily experience strain, while others may shift from obsessive love to more stable romantic love with a supportive partner.

In Western traditions, romantic love and sexual desire have often been linked but seen as separate. Many writers used terms like "romantic love," "erotic love," and "sexual love" interchangeably without clearly explaining their differences. In the 2000s, scientists agreed that romantic love and sexual desire are actually separate systems in the brain, with different neural pathways. Based on the theory that romantic love repurposed brain systems used for mother-infant bonding, it is possible to feel romantic love without sexual desire. This idea was first proposed by psychologist Lisa Diamond.

Modern romance

In 1993, Susan and Clyde Hendrick studied college students and discovered that a type of love called "friendship love" was more common than expected. When asked to write about their closest friendship, 44% of the students naturally wrote about their romantic partner. The friendship love style was also the most common type of love among people who shared a story about their current relationship. The Hendricks believe their findings suggest that friendship can be an early part of a romantic relationship for many couples, and in some cases, friendship may come before romantic feelings.

In 2016, Victor de Munck and David Kronenfield created a cultural model to describe romantic love in the United States. This model was based on studies of people in upstate New York and New York City. The authors believe this model helps people understand and predict how others think, feel, and act in relationships. The American model is special because it mixes passion with comfort and friendship. According to the model, a successful romantic relationship involves feeling excited about meeting a partner, showing love through emotional and physical closeness, feeling at ease with the partner, listening to their needs, and offering help when needed. The model also includes keeping track of how much each person gives and receives in terms of kindness and passion. The authors do not claim everyone follows this model, but they say it is a common or typical idea that most people understand, even if they are not aware of it. The model was tested using two examples of people who had trouble finding a partner who met all these standards (passion, comfort, and friendship).

In his 2008 book, British writer Iain King proposed six basic rules for the early stages of a romantic relationship. These rules were inspired by what he calls the "Help Principle," which suggests helping someone if the help benefits them more than it costs you.

Helen Fisher has supported using personality matches and online dating services to meet people, believing these methods are effective. However, a 2025 study found that couples who met online were less satisfied than those who met in person. The differences may be due to online daters being less similar to each other, the large number of choices online leading to less confident decisions, or the popularity of "swipe culture," which focuses on quick, appearance-based choices rather than deeper matching or thoughtful profile creation.

Philosophy

The philosopher Plato wrote the first major work about love in a book called the Symposium, which is a conversation between people at a dinner party discussing the nature of Eros, or love. Ideas about love that Plato introduced in the Symposium became common in many later writings about love. Plato, who was born around 428 BC, is often seen as the most important philosopher, with Aristotle being a close second, because of how much he influenced later thinkers.

In the Symposium, a character named Aristophanes shares an idea that love is about finding one’s "other half," or the part of oneself that was missing. This idea came from a Greek story that says humans were once whole creatures with two heads and four arms and legs, but Zeus split them in half as punishment for being too proud. Aristophanes’ speech is not meant to be taken as Plato’s own opinion; it is meant to be humorous. Instead, another character, Socrates, argues that true love is about understanding absolute beauty, which is a perfect, unchanging idea that exists beyond the physical world. According to Socrates, only philosophers can fully understand this kind of beauty and achieve true love.

Socrates explains that the goal of love is to create beauty and ensure its lasting existence, which connects to the idea of immortality. People try to achieve immortality in different ways, such as by having beautiful children, creating wisdom, or combining physical and spiritual beauty. This part of the Symposium is notable because it hints at the later idea of courtly love, where poets and musicians inspired by love created spiritual beauty through their art.

Socrates is also seen as representing both the lover and the beloved in the tradition of courtly love. He respects a woman named Diotima as his teacher about love, but he is also admired by a young man named Alcibiades, who says he was completely influenced by Socrates. Diotima suggests that Socrates’ love for young men prevents him from understanding absolute beauty, because he would focus too much on their physical appearance.

Plato’s idea that love can lead to spiritual transcendence through nonsexual admiration was later seen as a positive view of passionate love, which was often between men in ancient Greece, since love and marriage were considered separate. The ancient Greeks did believe in romantic love, but they usually described it as a kind of madness, only found in stories.

In you reside the flowers and the verdure,
And that which glows or is beautiful to see,
Your face is more resplendent than the sun,
Who sees you not can never value aught.
In this world there is no creature
So full of beauty or of pleasure,
And he who dreaded love is reassured
By your loveliness and can no longer fear.
The ladies who make up your retinue
Please me merely through your love of them,
And I beseech them, in their courtliness,
That those who can should honor you still more
And venerate your true supremacy,
Since of all women you remain the best.

The idea of courtly love, which began in the 12th century, was an early form of romantic love. It was not always agreed upon by scholars, as different people had different views about what love meant. The term "courtly love" (French: "amour courtois") was first used by a French scholar named Gaston Paris in 1883. He and others later suggested that courtly love followed a set of rules, including humility, courtesy, and even adultery, as seen in stories like Lancelot, the Knight of the Cart by Chrétien de Troyes. This idea was also discussed by writers like C.S. Lewis and Denis de Rougemont, who linked courtly love to religious and spiritual themes.

However, some scholars argue that the idea of courtly love being a unified concept is misleading, because the 12th-century tradition was more varied. A scholar named Irving Singer said that the term should be redefined to better reflect the many different attitudes toward love in the Middle Ages.

Singer describes courtly love as a collection of ideas that often appeared together but were not always present in every story. Courtly love began in southern France, where poets called troubadours wrote about love in poetry. At first, this love was often unrequited, meaning it was not returned. Adultery became a theme later, when the idea spread to northern France and England. This tradition often clashed with religious beliefs of the time, which saw sexuality as sinful and focused on spiritual love, such as the love of God.

In the Western tradition, influenced by Plato and Aristotle, Christian love was seen as a union with God. Some Christian mystics believed that humans could merge with God, similar to the idea in Aristophanes’ story, but this was criticized by religious leaders who said humans must remain separate from God.

The troubadours later created the idea of "fin’amors," or "true love," which combined Christian ideas with beliefs from the Middle East. Fin’amors was not meant to be rebellious, but it encouraged people to seek love and beauty from others, which some saw as conflicting with Christian teachings that said only God could provide true fulfillment.

The Albigensian Crusade later stopped the troubadours from creating poetry in southern France, but their work continued to influence culture.

Our breath shall intermix, our bosoms bound,
And our veins beat together; and our lips
With other eloquence than words, eclipse
The soul that burns between them, and the wells
Which boil under our being's inmost cells,
The fount.